Cheesecake Factory

[To first-time visitors--and may your numbers increase!--what follows is not my typical post. Not that there is a typical post as such, but in any case, if there were such a thing, this would not be it.]

In honor of both my wife Deidre and my ever-faithful reader Michele, I'm posting a gallery of my favorite celebrity women. I say "in honor of" those two because both of them have what D and I call "beefcake blogs"--shots of hunky men in various stages of dress and undress. You can find Deidre's here, and Michele's here. (And I'll have to say that I'm pretty partial to D's choice for a "hunk" to feature in her Mother's Day post.)

So anyway, here are a few of my faves--women I think set the standard for loveliness. As you'll see, it's not exactly your typical American male's gallery of beauty. There are a number of conventional hotties here, but quite a few that I chose as much for non-physical qualities as for anything else. Also, you'll notice a preponderance of brunettes--good thing, because I'm married to one. In fact, scarce are the images here of skinny blondes, not because I have anything against them, but I'm more inclined toward the darker, voluptuous type, and I figure that SBs have no shortage of admirers anyway.

Then again, wit and intelligence count for a great deal, which is why Laura Ingraham, a definite SB, makes the list. (In the interests of equal time, a counterpoint to the nation's leading right-wing blonde--I'm no big fan of Ann Coulter, thank you very much--is a less well-known left-wing brunette, Katrina Vanden Heuvel.) You'll also see comediennes well-represented here: in fact, as I've admitted to Deidre on more than one occasion, my dream girl (other than her, of course, in case she's reading this!) is Mo Collins of Mad TV.

And speaking of the Laura Ingraham-Ann Coulter dichotomy, I tried to avoid repetition: who needs Maggie Gyllenhaal, for instance, when there's Mandy Moore--who didn't blame America for 9/11? Nor is Salma Hayek a necessary addition when you have the more compelling Sarah Shahi. (And if you think the photos I chose for Ms. Shahi and Katherine Heigl are a bit racy, then just click over to Michele's blog and take a look--my choices seem pretty tame, and Michele herself assured me that my mostly female readership would not be offended by a little skin here and there.)

Mary Tyler Moore, c. 1970, was always more of a crush for me as a kid than Marlo Thomas, though they looked a great deal alike. On the other hand, Barbara Feldon from Get Smart--be still, my first-grade heart! I used to love that show, and she was no small part of that; in fact, one of the proudest moments of my life, years later, came when somebody said that my wife looked like Agent 99. These and others appear in their own special category, of youthful faves. These include Dawn Wells, a.k.a. Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Terrible show, but a great premise--and even though they always presented Ginger as the hottie, anybody with intelligence recognized that the little chick from Kansas was far more compelling. Less well-known is Audrey Landers, who was on a few shows in the early 1980s (hence the hair), and whose picture on the IMDB shows that she is still gorgeous.


Patricia Arquette. Okay, so after that disclaimer/apology about the paucity of blondes, what do I start with? Well, she's not a skinny blonde, anyway. And besides, she is Patricia Freakin' Arquette--the usual rules don't apply. Never cared for her sister at all, but I've loved PA ever since Ed Wood, one of my very favorite movies.

Mo Collins, formerly of Mad TV, who manages to be beautiful even when she's playing ridiculous characers.

Irish pop singer Andrea Corr, who I first noticed in The Commitments.

Roma Downey (obviously.) As with Andrea Corr, even if she weren't gorgeous, that Irish accent is a killer.

Jennifer Ehle, best known for her role opposite Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice.

Tina Fey

Jodie Foster: Forget about John Hinckley, forget about the rumors (who cares anyway?)--she comes across as sexy-smart, always a great combo.

Teri Hatcher. Long before Desparate Housewives, a show I've never bothered to watch, I loved the way she delivered that memorable line in Seinfeld: "Yes, they're real, and they're fantastic!"

Katherine Heigl. This one's a little embarrassing, because she's young enough to be my daughter by a long shot--a consideration that kept Lindsay Lohan and Christina Ricci off this list--but Katherine here is obviously no child. I loved her as Isabelle Evans, the super-sexy alien, during the first two seasons of Roswell--before they decided to "dowdify" her by cutting her hair short and coloring it a mousy brown that didn't suit her.

Faith Hill. I realize she might seem like a rather "ordinary" choice, but I like her style, her husband (Tim McGraw is one of the few country singers whose music I genuinely enjoy), and her backstory (poor girl from Mississippi makes good.)

Elizabeth Hurley. With that perpetual look of devilment in her eyes--which is what makes her so alluring, more even than her sheer beauty or that accent--she was a great choice to play the great tempter himself in that one movie with Brendan Fraser.

Laura Ingraham

Crime writer Aphrodite Jones. She's a little over the top, as her name suggests, but as far as I'm concerned, she can get away with it.

Norah Jones

Catherine Keener

Jayne Kennedy. Never much cared for watching sports, but I always made an exception when she was serving as commentator.

Debra Messing. The fact that Will can spend all that time around Grace and still prefer men tells us that he's not kidding about being truly gay.

Mandy Moore, who, despite the bubblegum image she's been working to shake, has a great presence.

Thandie Newton

Kelly Preston. Almost makes you willing to give Scientology a listen. As noted below with regard to Sigourney Weaver, though she played the bad girl in Jerry Maguire, I still found her irresistible. (One of my favorite movie lines--which I will not reproduce here--is the first thing we hear her say in that film.)

Lisa Rinna--one of my very faves, in terms of sheer looks. The image of feminine loveliness IMHO. (And btw, "lovely," for a straight man, is a term reserved exclusively for describing women. Neither a plan to meet for lunch, for instance, nor the table setting, nor the lunch itself can be described as lovely, usages available to women and out gay men. But for a straight guy, the only possible lovely thing about a lunch meeting might be the person sitting across from him.)

Lynne Russell of CNN, who made the Nineties just a little more bearable.

Jeri Ryan. She was a killer as "Seven of Nine" on Star Trek: Voyager. Her husband, who had to withdraw his candidacy for the Senate due to sex scandals, is proof that some guys just never choose to be satisfied.

Greta Scacchi. I had a hard time finding any picture that did her justice--even this one is a bit blurry--because let's just say that she doesn't now look much like she did in The Player, The Browning Version, or Jefferson in Paris. But thanks for the memories, GS!

Sarah Shahi. Ditto for what I said above about Lisa Rinna. Or in the words of Frank Ockenfels of Men's Fitness, who took this picture, "She's truly one of the most amazing women I've ever shot." Ms. Shahi, who is Iranian American, exemplifies the beauty of women from a part of the world that is currently not very high on our nation's Hit Parade of Love.

Ione Skye. Her star has faded, but she was slammin' in Say Anything and even Wayne's World.

Madeline Stowe. I especially liked her opposite Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans.

Charlize Theron. Aside from her obvious charms, she really impressed me with the risks she took in Monster.

Janine Turner. Loved her character in Northern Exposure.

Katrina Vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation. Though I disagree with her on a lot of things, she's impressively level-headed--and I can't imagine getting bored arguing with her!

Sela Ward. I suppose one could call it redundant to include both her and Teri Hatcher, but this kind of redundancy I find perfectly acceptable. The quintessential MILF.

Sigourney Weaver. She hasn't been seen much lately, but in the late 1980s she was the bomb. Even though she was Melanie Griffith's wicked boss in Working Girl, I found her ten times more appealing than MG. I even thought she was way hot in Aliens, where she spent most of the time running around in a dirty, sweat-soaked wife-beater with alien slime all over her.

Renee Zellweger--last in the alphabet, but certainly not last in the hearts of her countrymen. An underappreciated hottie, perhaps because she's never been afraid to take roles that deemphasize that aspect of her--e.g., Jerry Maguire or the Bridget Jones movies. As I've noted several times, a great accent makes a major difference, and RZ's natural southern drawl (she's from Texas, as is Janine Turner) is extremely charming.





Some Favorites of My Youth

Jennifer Beals, who, though she's still quite attractive, was positively smokin' in Flashdance--so much so that it took me several viewings before I realized what a stupid movie it was. And as noted below with regard to Audrey Landers, for guys born in the mid-1960s, there's something special about the now long outdated look associated with women who were hot around the time we were nineteen or so. Someday, perhaps those leggings she wore in the movie will come back into style.

Barbara Feldon. Though I never cared much for Toto, I could certainly understand the sentiments behind their song "99."

Mary Tyler Moore. Back when she played the sweet girl roles--as opposed to portraying her actual self in later work--she was a major babe. I always sympathized with Murray's crush on his coworker.

Glynnis O'Connor. Hardly a household name now, but as a seventh grader I became so enamored of her character in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble (opposite a very young John Travolta in an unusual role) that I developed a crush on a girl in my class simply because she looked like her.

Dawn Wells, a.k.a. Mary Ann. Had I been the Professor, I would have ditched all the other losers and left the island with her. (Well, okay, I would have sent back a boat for them later.)





Historical Faves: There's something a little strange about admiring the beauty of a woman who's long dead, but this list wouldn't be complete without these six.



Josephine Baker. As someone who's always had a "thing" for women of darker complexion, it's odd that I have relatively few African American women on my list. Angela Bassett, however, is a bit too angular and severe-looking for my tastes; Tyra Banks and Iman look too much like they came from another planet; and after her blubbering Oscar speech, I lost all respect for Halle Berry, who I once regarded as perhaps the most beautiful woman in the world. Josephine Baker, on the other hand, was a figure as admirable for her courage as for her beauty. Not only did she build a career for herself in France at a time when black women in America faced extremely limited opportunies, but she was a heroine of the Resistance.

Dorothy Dandridge, who paved the way for the modern African American actresses mentioned above.

Katharine Hepburn--every smart guy's dream girl from the 1930s. She was smokin' in The Philadelphia Story, and you always got a sense that her offscreen persona wasn't so different from the acerbic characters she played in her youth.

Marilyn Monroe. Okay, she's on everybody's list, but for a good reason: what the Beatles were to music, she was to loveliness.

Elizabeth Montgomery. Though Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie were both relentlessly stupid shows built around similar themes, Samantha Stevens was a far more appealing character than the always-idiotic Jeannie. Further, the creators of Jeannie tried much too hard, laughing into the backs of their hands just a bit too much over the obvious fantasy appeal of the show's setup. Sam, on the other hand, was a practical woman, or at least she tried to be one, and the fact that she went around dressed like everybody else--while being both extraordinary and level-headed--made her altogether superior to Barbara Eden's character in the other show.

Jessica Savitch. As an adolescent, she was my favorite part of NBC Nightly News, and her troubled story only makes her all the more a romantic figure.



Favorite Women for Whom I Had to Supply All the Visual Images In other words, the hotties of great literature. If you're not a reader and just want pictures, skip this one.

Any number of women from the Old Testament, especially Delilah (the story of her and Samson was my favorite as a child) and Esther.

Athena. It shows what a fool Paris was that he chose Aphrodite (whose charms, of course, I can only imagine were all but irresistible) over the goddess of wisdom. Then again, Athena is usually depicted as a virgin--Parthenos, the maiden--but that isn't a bad thing, considering the bad fate that awaited those suckers lucky/unlucky enough to wind up in a goddess's bed.

Guinevere. Naturally. And of course, in thinking of any figure prior to the twentieth century, you just have to mentally airbrush out the bad teeth, bad skin, etc. that would have been the reality.

Beatrice of Dante's Divine Comedy and La vita nuova. Though based on a real person, Dante's version was so removed from any possible reality that she might as well have been purely fictional. Fittingly, given the fact that she was more idea than person, I find the idea of beatific love she represented far more appealing than Dante's extremely static, quite-literally-too-perfect-for-this-world version of her.

The woman addressed in Shakespeare's sonnets. Okay, okay, I know some people with a lot of time on their hands have a lot of theories--e.g., she wasn't really a woman, he wasn't really Shakespeare, blah blah blah. To which I say, forget all that nonsense and just read the ones that begin "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" or "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments."

Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. Note the inclusion of Jennifer Ehle above, and I certainly could have included Keira Knightley, both of whom have played this most appealing of literary figures.

Mathilde de la Mole in Stendhal's The Red and the Black. A real firecracker, this one. Julien Sorel more than met his match in her.

Estella in Dickens's Pride and Prejudice. I find that in a literary context, at least, I'm more drawn to the bad girls, or at least the ones who were major pains in the you-know-what. When Dickens ended the book with the equivalent of choirs of angels singing around Pip and Estella, I wondered who he thought he was kidding: this chick would have been nothing but trouble--and yet oh so difficult to forget.

Natasha Rostov in War and Peace. Let's just say that in an American film version of the story, I would pick Natalie Portman--who, by the way, certainly could have made the cheesecake gallery above--to play her. I also fondly remember Princess Bolkonskaya, though she was a ditz (I just loved that name, though) and the ultra-bad girl Helene.

Liza Tischin in Dostoyevsky's The Devils. I wrote my undergraduate honors thesis on this book, also known as The Possessed, and wished that Liza had possessed the good sense to see through a cad like Stavrogin.

Emma Bovary in Madame Bovary. To have become entangled in her world would have been like jumping headlong in front of a train, but I can see how a young man would have been drawn to her.

Jo in Little Women. I still think she should have wound up with Laurie and not that dirty old man professor guy.

Scarlett O'Hara. What she needed, as Rhett fully understood, was not flattery and coddling, but a swift kick in the rear end. She would have been a royal pain to have in your life, and yet it's not difficult to understand why he put up with her as he did.

Several women in One Hundred Years of Solitude. Especially Remedios the Beauty and the last woman, whose name I believe was Amarantha Ursula.

Ada in Cold Mountain. Can you believe I never even saw the movie? Nicole Kidman is way hot, but I wouldn't have really picked her for this role. Don't know who I would have cast, but it would have had to be someone who looked like she could better survive the hardships Ada endured.






...And Last But Most of All: My personal dream girl, who has borne my name, my children, and all of my peculiarities over the years. A talented writer, an exceptional agent, a superb mommy, and the best friend I've ever had.